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Rayguns Don’t Kill Henchmen, Supers Kill Henchmen

Nov 21st, 2009
by Sheldon A. Blattman.
3 comments

Hey AAH-

So I got a gig henching for Professor Deatherizer .  Things started out great. Solid pay, slick volcano lair, and the best bunch of guys in my deathsquad .  But then things went sour. Now none of my coworkers will talk to me and I just don’t feel excited the way I used to, coming into work every morning.

As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, AAH… it’s the raygun. I’m scared of it.

Doc Deatherizer hasn’t assigned us anything special, just the Series-4 Deatomizer, but it still scares the crap out of me. I mean, I have to go to work every day with a pocket nuclear reactor strapped six inches away from my bait and tackle! Every minute I wear that thing, I’m thinking “cancer, cancer, cancer.” I figured I’d just ask my squadmates, “Why can’t I just carry a .45 or something?”

They just looked at me funny and turned away. Now nobody will talk to me. Where’d I go wrong, AAH?

-Scared of sidearm

 

Dear SOS,

Let me put it to you as simply as I can: your raygun is part of what makes you a henchman. Without it, you’re little more than a common thug. Your squadmates are probably wondering, “What’s he going to suggest next? Trading out his costume for a ski mask? Or perhaps dropping his utility belt altogether?”

Your Deatomizer should command your healthy respect, but not your fear. It’s OK to feel awed about the Series-4’s impressive ability to liquefy a Mack Truck. But the truth is that ray gun injuries exceedingly rare and the scientific studies that claim they cause cancer are highly suspect (mostly from super-science alarmist groups who said the same things about teleporters and cellphones).

As to why your death squad refuses to talk to you, I’m sure they feel that your commitment is lacking. You have to remember that it’s a privilege to carry a raygun, just like it’s a privilege to be a part of Professor Deatherizer’s scheme for a new world order. If a possible risk of early-onset bowel cancer is the price of that privilege, then so be it.

However, it’s my opinion that you’re concerned about the wrong thing entirely. Never forget that any Super worth his spandex will laugh at a .45. You run a much bigger risk of getting pounded into the concrete than finding a lump in your testicles.

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Overlord Etiquette

Nov 12th, 2009
by Sheldon A. Blattman.
No comments yet

Dear Ask a Henchman -


I’ve been assigned to address envelopes as part of my overlord’s plan to organize a sumptuous banquet for a number of other overlords. Over after-dinner liqueurs, he’s going to propose that they all join forces in order to vanquish some meddlesome supers who have been a thorn in all our sides. Because the occasion is so very important, I want to make sure all the envelopes are properly addressed. I don’t want anyone to be offended and send a stealth-bomb or remote-controlled assassin in their stead.


So how exactly do you properly address an envelope to an overlord? Shall I say: Mr. Megatron, Lord Megatron, The Honorable Megatron, or Dr. Megatron? And what about when they have consorts of different names? Would it be Mr. & Mrs. Megatron or Mr. Megatron & Mrs. Lady Wellington IV?


- Seeking Etiquette Expert


Dear SEE,
A most excellent question! It’s always nice to hear from someone so dedicated to doing a good job. For those reading, this is most likely a letter from a higher-up hench, some whose number is in the single digits and who has survived many a caped crusader.
How can I tell? He knows the details of his overlord’s master plan and he’s been entrusted with one of the most important aspects – contacting potentially surly or territorial overlords. Contrary to what many may think, overlords do not often work together because global domination is not a team sport. So getting them all in the same room together without bruised egos or stealth-bombs can be a bit of a quandary.
Proper correspondence should always be made out by the preferred name listed on the overlord’s website. Conventional etiquette can’t apply in this situation. Make sure to pay attention to articles. “The Time-Splicer” is very different from “Mr. Time-Splicer.” With two overlords at the same address, your final example was, in fact, correct. Mr. Megatron & Mrs. Lady Wellington IV is the proper designation. After all, you want to respect their separate identities. Wouldn’t want to cause a rift in their relationship!
Other considerations include:

  • Be sure to include a self-addressed, stamped envelope for a reply.
  • Have a vegetarian or non-carbon-based dinner option on the reply card.
  • Most of all, do not forget to put a piece of thin tissue paper between the invitation and the envelope in order to ensure that none of the embossing rubs off during delivery.

Your attention to detail and consideration of your guests’ needs should assure them that they will not be betrayed once the blood of your enemies waters the earth.

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Beyond Good and Evil

Nov 4th, 2009
by Sheldon A. Blattman.
3 comments

Dear AAH,

I want to be a henchman, but all my friends say that only really evil people can be henchmen. Now, I’m no angel. I’ve kicked some dogs and robbed some pawn shops. But no really evil stuff. However, I’m serious about henching and I’m willing to learn. My question is: do I have to be evil to hench? If so, how evil? (If you want to suggest any bad stuff for me to do to help me make the grade, that’d be great.)

-Butch

Dear Butch,

It’s a common misconception about Henchman that we’re all evil.

It’s not true. Not true at all.

First off, one person’s evil is another person’s necessary means to a greater good. More importantly, henchmen are only as evil as their overlord. Why? Well, no overlord wants you outdoing him (it’s a good way of getting yourself killed).

So choose your overlord wisely. There are plenty of petty crime kingpins, small-time masterminds, and secret societies with vaguely deviant machinations who would love to have you. Of course, there’s also overlords like mine who are not evil, but who do what they must to bring about the new utopia. You simply can’t think of the death and pestilence that my lord and master brings about as “evil.” It’s the storm that comes before the rainbow.

If you do want a specifically evil overlord, I suggest you start committing evil acts now. It’s really not worth joining an evil overlord unless you know that you love the never-ending torment of the masses, the chaotic reign of a god who thrives on hate, or the sense of accomplishment that only comes with destroying a major metropolitan area. But if the notion of pouring sulfuric acid in a bus full of handicapped orphans entices you, I suggest you move straight from dog-kicking to dog-killing and be sure to include all homicidal rampages on your resume.

P.S. If none of these options appeal, Henching may not be for you. With petty larceny and dog-kicking to your advantage, you may also want to try joining a gang. November is membership drive month in Southeast D.C. Bring a friend to join with you, and you’ll get a free 9 mm.

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The Trouble with Lasers

Nov 1st, 2009
by Sheldon A. Blattman.
No comments yet

Hey Ask a Henchman-

Huge fan of what you’re trying to do. Really think we Henchmen need more resources like this to deal with the everyday issues of henchmenry that are ignored on hench networking sites! Just had one this week and really need to know what to do. My overlord just completed a laser that has the power to slice an aircraft carrier in two. It’s totally tits. The guys haven’t stopped talking about it since we revved her up and severed a narwhal in half. So anyhow, we got assigned in shifts to guard it. Last night, was taking over from my henchmate, and noticed some spots on the laser. Well, started to clean it up, right? Realized it wasn’t just smudges, it was goo. So smelled it to make sure it wasn’t C4 or something. It was spooge! Man-juice! Every man’s little swimming minions!

Couldn’t believe it! My henchmate jacked off on the laser! So here’s the question: Tell my overlord? Don’t want him to think it was me, but think he should know!

-Unsure in Iceland

Dear Unsure in Iceland,

Wow! That is a startlingly unique problem. Or that’s what I’d like to say, but being turned on by big lasers is pretty standard in this business. It may even be included in your training manual. My advice is NOT to tell your overlord. You can’t be absolutely sure it was your Henchmate. Your overlord might have jacked off on it himself, and then, if you make it seem like something’s wrong with that, where will you be? I’ll tell you, you’ll be next in line for target practice before you can say “narwhal.” So keep it to yourself, and invest in some hand sanitizer that fits in your utility belt.

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